Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Al Gore: My new book

Hello Loyal Readers!

Next month I'll be publishing my second book about global warming and I'm very excited! My literary agent signed Rodale Books to publish it. I hadn't heard of them and so I did a little detective work (I love my internet!) to see what other books Rodale Books publishes.

An Amazon query of "rodale's books" best selling books turned up, in order, I kid you not...

    Top Selling Rodale Books

  • 1) The Biggest Loser: The Weight Loss Program to Transform Your Body, Health, and Life--Adapted from NBC's Hit Show!
  • 2) Marley & Me : Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog
  • 3) The Art of Public Speaking
  • 4) The Abs Diet: The Six-Week Plan to Flatten Your Stomach and Keep You Lean for Life
  • 5) Body for Life for Women: A Woman's Plan for Physical and Mental Transformation
  • 6) The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure (Ultimate Everything!!!)

I couldn't be prouder.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Al Gore: Strip Mall

Yes, I could get my Sleepytime Herbal Green Tea Infuser at Amazon, but until that Sharper Image dweeb or I invent a Star Trek transporter, there's only so much you can get over the net, legally. Recently I discovered the concept of a strip mall. Now before you get all bent out of shape, it isn't what I first thought. Damn. So this strip mall around the corner has a nail salon that I go to for my pedicures (Tuesday's special $5 off!). Today I just noticed that they also wax and shave! Who needs Tipper to shave my back hair! :) I'm freeee! Wheee! No more breakfast in bed for her! Get your own grape nuts, woman! Bwahaha!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Tipper Gore: CurrentTV Memo

To: CurrentTV Staff (all@current.tv)
From: Tipper Gore (tgore@current.tv)
Subject: Appearances

It has come to my attention that some of you are living in the 60's or the 90's. I don't know who does your hair, but pony tails are for young girls, not male nerds. Perhaps your regular stylist was at the Elton John Wedding, but whatever your excuse -- fix it. And ladies do not wear jeans, everyday. No wonder all the men are gay. Maybe if you put on a dress they might show an interest in you. In summary, fix up your appearance, or find your sorry ass out on the streets, moving back in with your parents in LA.


Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Al Gore: My Challenge to Congress and America

Full text of my Martin Luther King Day speech, given in Washington D.C.:
    My fellow Americans, so many of us have come here to Constitution Hall to sound an alarm and call upon our fellow citizens to put aside partisan differences and support my positions. It is appropriate that we make this appeal on the day our nation has set aside to close the banks, post offices, and government offices -- the bedrock of lazy inefficient workers -- to honor the life and legacy of Rodney King. On this particular Lex "Martin" Luther Day, it is especially important to recall that for the last several years of his life, Lex was illegally wiretapped by Superman's superhearing - one of hundreds of thousands of Americans whose private communications were intercepted by U.S. government so-called super-"hero's".

    At present, we still have much to learn about Quantum Mechanics. What we do know compels the conclusion that the President of the United States can be at two different places at once. But, a president who breaks the laws of physics is a threat to the very structure of space-time. Our Founding Fathers were adamant that they had established a government of Newtonian Laws and not men. Vigilant adherence to the rule of law strengthens our democracy and strengthens America, like a giant national bowflex system.

    Finally, it is particularly important that the freedom of the Internet be protected against either the encroachment of government or the efforts at control by large media conglomerates. The future of our pornography depends on it. But along with cause for concern, there is reason for hope. As I stand here today, I am filled with optimism that America is on the eve of a golden age in which the vitality of our pornography will be re-established and will flourish more vibrantly than ever. Indeed I can feel it in my pants.

    Seacrest, out!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Susan Sarandon: Psychic Predictions

Well, my fellow thetans, a spacecraft from billions of miles away arrived on Earth yesterday, just as I predicted 7 years ago. The fact that it was created by NASA doesn't change the 100% rock solid accuracy of my predictions. The spacecraft came with a tennis racquet like object, but to date NASA has refused my requests to know the score, if some alien life played tennis with NASA. Maybe Ivan Lendl could play with our Martian friends; he's always looked, how do the Japanese say, foreign.

They always told us kids that when we grow up we'll see outer space. The aholes didn't tell us that we'd be seeing outer space from the ground because they've burned away the ozone layer with their industrial-military complex. Boycott Walmart!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Al Gore: Netflix

Sometimes I use this bullypulpit of a blog to discuss the big issues -- global warming, our policy in Iraq, or CurrentTV -- but sometimes it's good to get to know each other on a humble, personal level. It's with this later reason that I present my current Netflix queue of movies:
  1. BraveHeard (just returned)
  2. Couples Yoga
  3. Verbal Advantage
  4. CNET Presents: Advanced HTML for Dummies
  5. Erkel Season 3: Disk 2
  6. Little Women
  7. NipponTV: Beginning Tea Making
  8. Battlefield Earth
Let me know of your favorites by commenting on this post.

Susan Sarandon: Blazing Saddles

With the energy crisis we really need alternative power sources. But with Global Warming, we need to worry about warming the planet. What's why I am greatly concerned about the flatulence of our arabic brothers, Qatar, Brunei, and Bahrain. My God, 37 thousand cubic feet of gas coming out of each Qatarian? Hey, Abdul -- less humous, more Beano.

Natural gas production (per capita)
  1. Qatar 37,541.2 cubic feet per person
  2. Brunei 27,795.6 cubic feet per person
  3. Bahrain 12,929.6 cubic feet per person

    ...Oh and, whitey, less back bacon and herring.

  4. Norway 11,887.7 cubic feet per person
  5. Canada 5,694.25 cubic feet per person

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Al Gore: Band Camp

Today I went to the New Upstate New York New-Age Camp (NUNYNAC) in the woods. We studied Ying/Yang, iChe, meditation, and live organism yogurts. Some in attendence lit incense, although I did not inhale. The giftshop had crystals and the missing Kitaru Live album I'd been searching for. Kitaru is a man on fire! I've now completed my Kitaru, John Tesh, Yanni, and Kenny G collections. In the afternoon, we spent 2 hours chanting and meditating. My favorite mantra we used was "Ho, Ho! Ho, Ho! Global Warming has got to go!" I really feel that our energy made a difference in the global temperature, and I've recently taken to wearing an extra undershirt in anticipation of the resulting cooler weather. I would like to encourage all my readers to try this chant and to wear an extra undershirt.

Bono: iPod nAno

Got me a new iPod nAno this week. I can't figure this bloody thing out. You dial it in a circle to go up and down in the song list? Did the British design this thing? Am I in a freaking round-about? It's made for young punks I tell you, like those punks that put salt on my lawn last week. Damn kids. Wish they'd learn some respect. I think I'm going back to me Walkman. Wonder if I can get me own satellite channel, like M&M. Radio Bono, all U2, all day. Wouldn't that be grand.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Tipper Gore: Public Apology

Given Al's recent apology, and given the Holiday Spirit, I thought I'd make my own apology. I'd like to publically apologize for my mispronounciation of the fine country of Nigeria. I only wish someone would have corrected me the first time I said it. My speech to the African-Americas Alliance mentioned it 15 times. Speaking of screw-ups, I just hope Al isn't too niggardly this year with his Xmas presents. I swear, he spent too much time around that jew lieberman. Maybe I'll light Kanza candles just to piss him off. And what's the deal with that stupid dreidel.

Peace, out.

Susan Sarandon: Pop Goes the Weasel

Well, the results are out. The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from acne per capita just popped, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lithuanian, Croatian, Danish, Mexican, and German friends is: My gosh, how do you die from acne? If they start growing and growing, for Heaven's Sake, pop them before they grow the size of watermelons and the explosion kills you. Maybe eat fewer potato chips. And clean your face. Maybe invest in some Oxy 10. My gosh. Dying from acne?

Mortality from Acne (per capita)
  1. Lithuania 0.278009 deaths per 1 million
  2. Croatia 0.22242 deaths per 1 million
  3. Denmark 0.184094 deaths per 1 million
  4. Mexico 0.0282478 deaths per 1 million
  5. Germany 0.0121314 deaths per 1 million
No going to the prom for you, Ms. Lithuania.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Al Gore: Public Apology

I'd like to apologize. In 1995 I wrote and signed the secret Gore-Chernomyrdin protocol, which allows Russia to continue to sell weapons to Iran, a country that is building nuclear weapons, and destablizing the whole world. I kept the Gore-Chernomyrdin Protocol secret until 2000, when I ran (successfully) for President. For this I apologize. In hindsight it was a foolish move. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and anyone who has seen me lately knows I am not exactly petite. But it takes a bigger man to fix his mistakes, and that is exactly what I am going to do. So it is with great courage that I humbly announce that I am officially ending Operation Count All Votes in Florida and instead focusing on Operation Get Russian Officials Drunk and to Strip Clubs So They Stop Selling Weapons to Iran. I have a calling for public service and my public awaits! I hope Tipper understands.

Bono: Me Soup

Fáilte! Slicing together video footage of the last 40 years of G8 Summits and MTV, looking for seeds of cross-pollination -- suddenly, simultaneously, on me two video monitors -- 1) the first President Bush throwing up soup in Japan and 2) a video by Maddness. I got some of me mates together and we came up with an idea, but some bloke already stole me idea! He even took Edge's idea for two ferrets singing about how much they like the moon! Damn brits. Seems like we have to go with Plan C -- doing a cover of "my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades", with the video of all the mates wearing my patented blue-blocker sunglasses. When life hands you a rabbit and some pig neck meat, you make irish rabbit stew, and make the best of it. Slán.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Bill Clinton: Le President

Under Section 5 of Article 21-19 du French civil code, citizens of states or territories over which France has ever exercised sovereignty or extended a mandate or protectorate may apply immediately for naturalization, sans le normal five-year residency requirement.
Arkansas, where I was born, was once part of French Louisiana. OMG! As a naturalized French citizen, I could run for le presidency. Just think, I could run l'Old World and Hillary could run le New World. In France, I've heard that mistresses are required. No term limits, no mistress limits, topless beaches, le Royale Cheeseburger, nuclear weapons, and closer access to bomb yugoslavia. Hot Damn! Let's do it. Ou est mon application? Bet I can get my celebrity friends to move too. Paris meet Paris meet little Billie.

Bill, you say mistresses are allowed? Can I come too, as your VP?
Sure, Jesse! Welcome aboard the Freedom Train! Wooohoo, partay!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Al Gore: I am a proud Tree-Hugger

Political Pundit Dave Barry recently wrote:
Each Forest Face is a set of facial features that you attach to a tree, thus transforming it from a boring, stiff, lifeless lump of wood like Al Gore into a tree with a vibrant personality, like the ones that threw apples at Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz."
Mr. Barry, no one wins when cheap shots are taken. They only lower the level of debate, dehumanizing us all. In the future, please refrain from attacking trees in such a blatant and racist way. I love trees and I consider trees and certain patches of berries to be among my very best friends. I take attacks against them personally. I am also troubled by the notion that trees are somehow boring without what-amounts-to plastic surgery. Do you have any idea what that does to the psyche of young female trees? It's that sort of mentality that leads to tree anorexia and cutting. Finally, I'd like to state the obvious. Occupation by human settlers on the land that Vegetation hopes to form a state, only leads to violent tree militarism against civilian targets, such as the Vegetation 1998 military operations against Sony Bono and Michael Kennedy. One World, Mr. Barry, One Species. Peace.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Wipeout

The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from anal and rectal abscess per capita just came out, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lexembourgian, Croatian, Lithuanians, and Chilian friends is: Learn to Wipe, fellas. My gosh. Especially you Lexembougians, my gosh, you are dying at three times the rate of other countries with anal abscesses. Remember: front to back. If you need more than four wipes, try to shower. Maybe invest in some baby wipes.

Mortality from Abscess of anal and rectal regions (per capita)
  1. Luxembourg 2.13415 deaths per 1 million
  2. Croatia 0.88968 deaths per 1 million
  3. Lithuania 0.834028 deaths per 1 million
  4. Chile 0.813466 deaths per 1 million
  5. Hungary 0.79944 deaths per 1 million
  6. Estonia 0.750188 deaths per 1 million
  7. Denmark 0.736377 deaths per 1 million
  8. Moldova 0.673401 deaths per 1 million
  9. Uruguay 0.58548 deaths per 1 million
  10. Finland 0.574383 deaths per 1 million
Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi.

Tipper Gore: Alternate Names for "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"

  • "Not butter? Then what the hell did I just eat?" Spread.
  • "I still say it's butter" Spread.
  • "Al Gore Believes it's Butter" SpreadTM-ALGORELABS.
  • "After all the damage you've done to this family with your habitual lying and deceit, you have the nerve to sit there with a straight face and tell me that this isn't butter?" Spread.
  • "In the absence of actual butter, sure, I'll play along" Spread
  • "Why the hell are McSweeney's lawyer and Ken Starr calling" Spread
  • "Am I wrong about God too?" Spread.

Sean Penn: Paul Shore is Dead

What do Eminem, Corey Feldman, Britney Spears, the Hilton sisters, Ellen Degeneres and myself have in common? We're all gay! Just kidding. It's Pauly Shore! Pauly, put us all in his film "“Pauly Shore is Dead".” Here's what Pauly said:
"Sean Penn gave the best performance. Having him in the movie is pretty awesome because it's Sean Penn. It was just so awesome that he did that for me. He never does anything for people. I reached out to him and I said, 'Look this is a joke. You're like a huge Pauly Shore fan (in the film).' And he laughed because he knew that no one would ever think that."
I'd like to thank Pauly for this kind words, but I'd like to correct a few errors. First off, I do many things for other people. I personally saved thousands of african-americans in my rowboat during hurricane katy, as well as several Taliban members from being murdered by US Fascists, and millions of Kurds from being curdled. Fourthly, I actually am a huge fan of Pauly Shore and Reality TV, so when I saw this film's title, I thought maybe it would be a snuff film. Speaking of which, I need some blow. SeanPenn, out.

Al Gore: CurrentTV Board Meeting

The other day we had a board meeting at CurrentTV. Thanks to my handicapped/disabled tag (a color xerox of a friend's tag), my limos park in a loading zone, right in front. With BarCode Magic I might try to print out barcode stickers and put them on an iPod box, getting it for $4.99! Sweet! Tipper doesn't think it's too smart, but heck, can she type a 101 words a minute, in binary? I think not. My adviser, Tony (the Tiger) thinks it's great. At the board meeting, bubbleboy (that guy in the weird 2nd floor glass office) started raising a big brew-ha-ha because I'm growing some medicinal plants in his office. Then some lawyer talked about some rigmarole of paperwork. We then discussed our partnership with Google (a search engine company). I never realized that PageRank was named after Brian Page. What an ego. (Note to self: GoreRank?).

Finally, before I skedaddle, I'd like to give a notorious b.i.g. shoot out to the Doctor, the Reverend, the Senior, my Main Man -- Jesse Louis Jackson! Thank you for joining the Gore Group. Welcome aboard, brother. Salam Alaikum!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Jesse Jackson: Tookie and Mookie

Good evening internet users and abusers. I'm here in a missionary position to urge you to write to your local U.N. Representative to try to get Stanley "Tookie" Williams released from San Quentin State Prison's death row. Tookie is no monster. Cookie is a monster. Mookie is a monster. But not Tookie, No Siree. With my fellow campaigner, Bianca "Kookie" Jagger, I trying to get Tookie released, not fleeced or deceased. He's being persecuted, electrocuted, and executed, just because he was a founder, left to flounder, of the Crypts street gang bang. I am this Crypt's keeper, and he just had bad lawyers, like Tom Sawyer, and Big Jim, sent down a river boat to hang, as he sang, Mr. Bojangles, isosceles triangles.

Dr. Rev. Jesse Jackson, Sr., d.d.s.

Bono: Sunglasses

I got Al to buy my 4B (Bon-Bono-Blue-Blocker) sunglasses for the whole cabinet! If they each tell two of their friends and so on, pretty soon all of Africa will be wearin' me glasses.

[Note to all music fans: The Cranberries suck. Dolores even left the band and went off with some road manager from Duran "Suck Suck" Duran. U2 rules Ireland!]

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Bono: M & M

Reports that Eminem ignored me phone calls for help in Live 8 are making a big halabaloo about nothing. So we sent nerdly some pictures of darkies wearing his t-shirts and he still refused to call us back. What, should I cry? The really big news is that I discovered, using Al Gore's Anagram Solver TM, that "Sir Bob Geldof" is an anagram for "Old Big Bore SF" and also "Bob you're a douchebag!" and "The Boomtown who?"

Sean Penn: Welcome to my Blog

This is Speaker of the House in Exile Sean Penn and welcome to my blog. I was moved and honored when Al Gore appointed me the Speaker of the House for his government in exile, and I will do nothing to jeopardize your trust. Most of you know me as Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High so I hope this gives you some inside access to the Al Gore Government in Exile's playbook.

In the last few years we've saved thousands of lives from Hurricane Katie and helped improve the quality of the pacing, music, and digital encoding of hostage videos made by Afghani freedom fighters.

The Al Gore's InternetTM is changing the way we share information. My office has been talking a lot about some of the conversations going on in the information superhighway. So I thought, hey, online women, and then I thought, hey, I should make a dating profile. More about that later.

Let me start by first saying that we need to keep our thoughts and prayers with the victims of Hurricane Betty and Hurricane Wilma. There has been a lot of damage. It's in the zillions of dollars I'm told. But we were better prepared this time -- this time I brought a boat that doesn't leak! -- so the loss of life and property damage was not as bad as it could have been.

You know, we've had a rough hurricane season. All of our hurricanes have dealt a serious economic blow to the U.S. And that means we're going to have to do some belt-tightening -- throughout the federal government in exile. We've already let Whoopi Goldberg go.

Speaking of the Hurricane season, I understand that in New Orleans, there's a run on flat house paint! My bad. Seriously, there have been reports that paying for Hurricane Katrina may cost upwards of $250 zilion. I can assure you that we're not going to spend $250 zillion - it's not going to cost that much. Congress-in-Exile has already passed legislation that provided $62.5 zillion worth of immediate comic relief to help the Gulf Coast get back on its feet. Part of that money to made sure that Robbin Williams will be fed, have power and clean water to drink -- basic necessities that we all take for granted. What we don't need to do is to spend more money now on Carrot-top and worry about how to pay for him later.

We want some answers and you folks out there in the geocities do too. When are solar-powered coal-refineries going to be built here in America? When is the energy of the moon going to be harnessed?

Well, there you have it folks. I've outlined some of our priorities: fecal responsibility and synergy. I'm going to keep updating this from time to time. It's not that bad.

Looks like this old stoner can still learn a thing or two. Until next time . .


Al Gore: Exercise

I love exercise. You can exercise almost anywhere and any time -- while being driven to the gym, at your desk or watching CurrentTV. Best of all, I like to exercise my pelvic muscles. Just pull in (like you're trying to stop peeing because someone entered the bathroom and you don't want them to know you're in the stall). I hold my squeezes for 10 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds. Weak pelvic muscles often lead to urine leakage so Tipper and I like to exercise before our drinking blackouts (we call it -- Time Traveling to the Future).

I keep a Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log conveniently alongside my Daily Affirmations, which help me control the anger. I used to stuff my anger and my face, and that's why I weigh three hundred pounds. But now I'm on the road to recovery, with the love of my family. I learned what love is from my parents. You find that one special person who was placed on this planet just for you, and then you put them through forty years of living hell.

Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log
    Athlete:    Al   . I exercised my pelvic muscles ______ times daily. I spent _____ minutes exercising. At each exercise session, I contracted my pelvic muscles _____ times. Afterwards I had _____ beers and passed out for _____ hours.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Stop mailing me!

Why is AOL mailing me all these CD's? Do I have to install them? Timmy! Can you come over on Sunday and help me install these AOL CD's. Do I need it? What is EarthLink? Also, why am I getting all these advertisements in my email? Can you see if Souter signed me up on one of his pervert lists?

Al Gore: Memoir Research

In writing my memoir, I've had to do some research. I've been trying to see what went wrong in Florida in 2000. I want to know republican women and soccor moms inside and out, top to bottom, and get behind this issue, and on top of it. So I signed up for a republican dating service, hoping to get to know these women and what makes them tick, for my research needs. I need to know their secret political turn ons. Unfortunately not a one has accepted my requests to go out on an exploratory date, so I'm having trouble getting a feel of things. I thought maybe they saw me as out of their class, so I changed my profile from "extremely handsome" to just "very handsome", and I took out the part about one of my turn-on's being armpit hair. [I do love real earthy women.] Still no one has accepted. I'm thinking about fibbing a little to get the balls rolling. You know, tell them I invented sliced bread, or something.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Unproductive morning

Whoopi sent this to me and now my whole morning is shot. I can't stop staring at this thing. So far I've managed to get a cup of coffee, but other than that it's been just me and this damn hypnotic frog. He's not going to get me to blink first. I've been up against the best and they've always blinked. It'll just take time.

Al Gore: Memoir Update

My memoir has been going well lately. I wrote three more pages this morning, right after I walked Chad. The three pages cover the formation of my government's cabinet that lasted for four days. I assigned Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. She had always refused the position, but to this day I still send official exile-government business to "Mrs. Bill Clinton, secretary". My memoir is looking like a real book. Tipper's trying to write a children's book. That's not a real book. Any book is a children's book if the kid can read. Stupid. What kind of name is Tipper, anyway?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Horoscope, Appointments, Flowerpower Rules!

Today I got my personalized online horoscope, to start my day off right/light/tight/outttofsightttttt! Wheeee!!!

    You are a natural diplomat, reasonable, tolerant, fair, always willing to listen to varying viewpoints, and ready to see the other side of an issue. Serious, disciplined, and quietly ambitious, you are driven to prove yourself and to achieve material accomplishments and success. Your work, your position in the world, and your contributions to society are very important to you.

And what do you know! President Al Gore and Speaker of the House Sean Penn called me this morning! Can a girl dream! Yes, twinkle toes! My nightly moonbeam confessionals seemed to have worked!! WHEEEE! I've been appointed Vice-President of the United States!! WHEEE!!! Take that Junta Cheney! Time for Sherry!

Al Gore: Youthenizer

In the last year I've put on 20 pounds and my hair has become more gray. To be perfectly frank I used to wear a male girdle and dye my hair. I used to, until my good friend Susan Sarandon said that girdles interfere with proper bowl movement and that hair dye leaks aluminum, oxidants, and radon into the scalp and brain. These days I don't have to look as dapper as I did in politics, let's be frank. Running CurrentTV out of San Francisco means that I only have to impress 20ish hippy chicks, which is a given for me. Still, a vain part of my thetan does not want to appear old when I'm on TV.

It is with this in mind that I've got those CurrentTV geeks hard at work, building me a YouthenizerTM ALGORELABS studio, which will shoot me against a blue screen. The result will be video output that 1) automatically narrows my girth verses my height, 2) adjusts the contrast and brightness to remove my gray and give me a tan, and finally 3) puts me behind an inserted digital background that supports the main message I want to present (e.g. "AL Gore = Al Good"). I'm thinking about building one of these Youthenizers to shoot people in LA, NY, and DC. I could make a killing, by renting them out.

Fire up my back shaver Tipper, I'm gonna be famous again!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Al Gore: HDTV

Just got HDTV. Why did I wait -- this is the greatest! I got it so I could see some details on Desperate Housewives, but turns out the only details I can see are wrinkles. The real good news is that Bill's face looks so funny in HDTV. It was worth it just for that! Har! He's got nose hair, ear hair, huge bags under his eyes, big enough to hide an intern, his nose looks huge, and you can see those horrid red splotches of his. I love those. Sometimes when he's on tv I turn up the red hue control and make his face as red as a baboon's ass. Har har!

Al Gore: Holy Crapper!

Here's a picture of my new toilet throne I had installed last week. I use it to produce bio-diesel for my car. Speaking of which, the tank is low, so I should eat more broccoli.

The manual describes the thrown as a "throwback to the medieval era of knights, castles and fairy tale romance." I feel so royal when sit on it. Probably shouldn't write that. The broccoli also keeps Tipper away. Shouldn't write that either.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Al Gore: Funding for Education

I have to say this is the most exciting fundraising program I've seen in a long time.

Just think -- funding high school girls and Victoria Secret at the same time.
If you agree with me -- basically all you guys out there -- write your congressmen-in-exile and let them know that you would like this "Cash for Your Schools" program implemented at fine malls near you. Don't bother writing to the female congressmen. They won't get it.

On a related note, I went to the gym. My gym trainer and girl-friend, Mindy, was very helpful. Sometimes I take off my wedding ring just to look at the tan lines. I do like tan lines. Probably shouldn't write that.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Al Gore: I see dead people

Wow. Tonight Tipper and I and the geeks from CurrentTV caught the RollingStones and Metallica Concert. We felt right at home because the audience was an older crowd. The concert was even sponsored by AmeriQuest (a mortgage company), Mercedes-Benz (a car company), and Charles Schwab (a blogger). Tipper was going nuts. She kept trying to take her top off at Metallica and held up a sign that read "RIAA RULZ!!". It must have been the pot-in-the-air, because, believe-it-or-not, I felt rather loopy myself. I unbuttoned my top shirt button! Letting loose, baby! Livin' large! Speaking of pot, it's nice to see Jackie-the-Jokeman get work as the Stones's drummer. Ba-ba-booey, baby. Oh, I am so wasted...Wheeeeeeeeeee! Fetch me some alka seltzer, woman!

 Eggs light, eggs all right, take me hand, we're off to never never ranch.
Eggs light, eggs all right, take me hand, we're off to never never ranch.

What the hell is that about!?! Where's my alka seltzer, woman!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Al Gore: City of Lights

Now I understand why Paris is called the City of Lights. But seriously folks, these car fires are bad for the environment and are only increasing global warming. On a positive note, it's nice to see muslim youth turning to rioting, instead of terrorism.

Dear Citizens of France:

Le feu d'éclairage aux voitures est mauvais pour l'environnement et rend la planète plus chaude. Si vous ne vous arrêtez pas, vos ânes français et algériens seront burried par les océans se levants. Faites des femmes plus chaudes mais ne faites pas les voitures chaudes.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Al Gore: Tipper's Digital Age

So Tipper brow-beat and guilted me enough into getting her a digital camera. Here is the result Tipper's Photos. I think I'm going to be playing tech support for her digital camera spasms for the next 3 years. Why can't she get tech support from India like everyone else?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Al Gore: Secret Service Guys

So the chumps they gave me for secret service protection -- Larry and Curly -- are the rejects from protecting C. Everett Coop. Dubya must really hate me. Anyhow, these chumps keep eating all my good food. Larry picks out the raisins from my Raisin Bran, and Curly hogs the ice cream. I keep warning them. If I say the word, it's only down hill for them -- probably Mall Cop duty (see picture of your future life, guys). My only concern is that I'll get some dopes who are even worse.

Speaking of malls. Wonder if Chelsea would like to come by for a visit. Maybe I can schedule to go to London for some global warming thing and see her there. Can Bill's face get any redder? Har, Har!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Al Gore: Pride and Prejudice

Sometimes Tipper and I role play. Tipper plays Elizabeth and I play Mr. Darcy, sometimes Lady Catherine. Probably shouldn't write that.

Yesterday, I saw Chelsea on TV. It was exciting watching her grow up in the White House. Let's just say this morning I woke up with "Chelsea Morning". My secret service guys tell me that their codename for her in the White House was "Energy". Given that I'm Mr. Clean Energy, we might have a lot in common. Unless she likes Mr. Dirty Energy. Probably shouldn't write that.

Al Gore: Change Password

Scientists just discovered a third type of weed. Science is cool. Just gotta get glaucoma. Wonder if I can get that from Global Warming. //Hope so!// I didn't write that. Bill, get off the keyboard. //No!// Yes. //Say please// Please. //No!// Damn you little&^)_{quit:qshift-z-zexit&*___

Some fancy re-porters are sayin' I may Challenge Hillary in '08. Man, I ain't goin' up against that biatch. Y'all don't know it, but she's got cyborg parts. //Besides who would want to vote for old, fat, ugly me!!! AL BORE!! HAHA!!// BILL GET OFF THE COMPUTER! I'M CHANGING MY VNC PASSWORD!!

It's me again. Over the years Hillary's radiation leak has made the man insane. It's sad really... but in a really funny ha-ha way. And that red nose! That's what the buddaists call karma chameleon, but we tennesseeianites call humorous. Big ol' red nose. Har!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Al Gore: Video Game Violence

First let me say that I am 200% behind the welfare of children. If there is a child suffering, I'm right there. So it is with great disgust that I learned of a video game that is tantamount to child abuse and murder for hire. Expert Jack Thompson has bravely filed a lawsuit against Rylos Games, maker of the Starfighter video game, and Tipper and I are completely behind his efforts. Here's a brief description:

"...teenager Alex Rogan who, acting on the influence of the Starfighter video game, went on a killing rampage in an experimental Gunstar near the Frontier. Rogan has been charged in over 3000 counts of murder by the Ko’Dan Emperor...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Al Gore: Joketime

Q. How many Bush Admin. officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Bwah, har, har! Love it. Wonder if Chelsea's heard that one, that one above, about screwing, in a, uh, a, um, bulb.
Q: How many heterosexual CurrentTV employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

Bwah! I stacked that place so tight, I'm like the only available guy there for those 20ish hippy chicks.

Al Gore: Resume

I've been thinking a lot about updating my resume lately. There's sooooo much I need to add! It still says: "Vice-President, United States of America (1992-Current)"!! :) Let's see. Since 2000, I became the President of the United States (Dec 8, 2000 - Dec 12, 2000), invented ALinux (the first *real* Linux), started CurrentTV (the first cable news channel), and invented the Internet2.0. What has Bill done besides that lamn-ass memior that no one read? Should I put my PetCam start up idea on my resume? Give me feedback to decide.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Al Gore: Fermat's Last Theorem

So this weekend I was reading Diophantus by Pierre de Fermat, when I stumbled on a comment that he had found a truly marvelous math proof which the margin was too small to contain. I spent this weekend, solving it, but now, I can proudly say that I've solved Fermat's Last Theorem:
                  _              _
Let X = 0.99. So 10X = 9.99.
_ _
From this I derive that 10X - X = 9X = 9.99 - 0.99 = 9
Thus, 9X = 9, and finally, that X = 1, not 0.99!
Previous proofs were very indirect, dealing with the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture. I decided however to tackled the problem head-on.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Al Gore: Newest Cabinet Members

Tipper and I are proud to announce the latest members to our US Governement in Exile. I've appointed Susan Sarandon as my Vice President, Sean Penn as Speaker of the House, Bono as Head of the World Trade Organization, and Sandy Dorris O'Connor as Chief Justice. In the coming days I will be appointing more outstanding progressive leaders to form my government. If you know anyone you think would make a good candidate, email me.

Next week I'm fly down the Florida, for my 8th time, continuing my quest to interview each voter to get an accurate vote of the 2000 election. America deserves no less. Besides, there are some really good gentlemen's clubs down there. Alec, you in?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Bono: Visit to the Whitehouse

So last week I had lunch with President Bush at the White House. It was a real honor and privilege. His knowledge of Irish history was impressive. Before lunch he reenacted the Battle of Clontarf, one the greatest battle of early Irish history, with some chess pieces and some Lucky Charms. Oddly enough, his chef made haggis. I'm Irish hello? Not some girlie-kilt-wearing Scot.

Anywho, he agreed with me on some important issues regarding Africa, and also that Duran Duran pretty much sucked. I gotta love him for that alone.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Yentel

Ahhhhh. Judge Ginsberg just called me to inform me that she'll be taking days off for the jewish holiday of Sukkot. Doesn't she get that I don't work with her any more? Back in the day she insisted on putting up big hannukah decorations all around the office and humming the driedle song. We couldn't get a majority of us to agree that it was unconstitutional. We did get a solid majority at lunch to agree that sutter was a tool for playing john denver albums and we declared them unconstitutional unless he played them with headphones at low volume, and put on a frilly dress.

Al Gore: Great Outdoors

I love the fresh smell of pine trees. It brings out a real manly, full-of-life, carpe-diem feeling. Almost feel like yodeling. The echo is really good here in the bathroom. Bully job on the new Glade air freshener, Maria.